In order to encourage self-love within our children, students and those around us, we must first practice fully loving and liking ourselves. We lead by example.
Mindfulness and self-compassion have increasingly received attention through mainstream media recently. The concepts are sometimes taught in schools, they are frequently mentioned in self-help articles and people from all walks of life are openly talking about the benefits. Why? Because once you begin to fully engage in them, it changes everything.
Self-compassion and mindfulness are inextricably linked. If you were to look up the meaning for self-compassion, you would find that compassion means “to suffer with.” Mindfulness involves non-judgmental observation, and therefore awareness of what is happening within. When you engage in mindfulness and self-compassion, you are accepting the moment as it is, without criticism. You get comfortable with being uncomfortable and realize that we are all interconnected- we all experience suffering, inadequacy and imperfection.
For me, a daily meditation practice preceded my engagement with the practice of self-compassion. It is different for everyone, but I will say that having a solid mindfulness practice helped me recognize the incredibly unkind things I was saying to myself, about myself. It also allowed me to practice forgiveness and begin to change.
Regardless of where you are in your practice, try the following exercises to cultivate self-compassion:
Start to bring awareness to your thoughts.
Change cannot occur without being aware of what needs to be changed. This can be done in a number of ways. When you look at yourself in the mirror, what are you saying to yourself? Similarly, when you are frustrated or struggling to complete something, how do you speak to yourself? What about when you do something well? You can either begin to mentally or physically take note of these statements. Do you see a pattern?
The human brain is constantly trying to make sense of what is happening around us.
We look for things in our environment to confirm our thoughts and biases, including those negative thoughts about ourselves. What negative thoughts do you have about yourself? What were you told as a child that you still carry with you today? Write them down. Write down how they have impacted you and continue to impact you. How do these thoughts play into your beliefs and behavior? How do they affect your life and how you feel about yourself? What new thoughts can replace the old ones? You move from a threat mindset to an opportunity mindset. When you change your thoughts, your feelings and behavior will follow.
Personify the negative thoughts about yourself.
Once you begin to recognize your critical voice, give it a name. By doing this, you separate the negative talk from yourself and it becomes easier to recognize. You are not your thoughts. Once your “person” (or monster) starts talking, talk back and challenge them.
If you are being unkind to yourself, think about the situation as if it were occurring to a young child, or someone you love unconditionally.
How would you talk them through the situation? Would you repeatedly tell them that they are a failure, or that everything is their fault? In general, would you deprive a child of sleep? Would you continually force them to work, without breaks or play? Why would you treat yourself any differently? You are deserving of the same love, compassion and care.
Believe what others tell you- when your friends, family, colleagues or even complete strangers compliment you, tell you about your strengths, or thank you for your kindness- believe them.
Is it difficult for you to tell a loved one how brilliant they are? No, it is effortless because you mean it. So why are you unworthy of the compliments you receive?
Write a thank you letter to yourself.
Truly give yourself thanks for all that you do, for yourself, for others, and for the planet. Thank your body for the movement it engages in each day. If this exercise is difficult for you, try writing a letter from an imaginary friend’s perspective- a friend who is kind, loving, compassionate, generous and non-judgmental. What would that person say to you? How would they forgive you for your missteps?
Say, “I love you” to your body.
I am sad to admit it, but I only recently did this for the first time- and I am in my mid-thirties. Why did it take me so long? Try saying, “I love you” to your body on a consistent basis and see how it changes the most important relationship you will ever have- the one with yourself.
Self-reflection is the most difficult work we can do, but it is the most worthy and purposeful. We cannot serve others if we do not first serve ourselves. Having self-compassion or practicing mindfulness doesn’t mean we get to walk through life not caring about anything and continually forgiving ourselves for being indifferent or cruel. It is quite the opposite. It is showing kindness to ourselves, which then allows us to show kindness to the world. It lifts us all. In the words of Tarthang Tulku Rinpoche, “If you want to do your best for future generations of humanity, for your friends and family, you must begin by taking good care of yourself.”
This article by Kristen Sudnik was originally published here: https://mindmasterylab.com/how-to-cultivate-self-compassion/
